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Saturday, August 13, 2011

Have you ever Questioned your BELIEVES ... ??

At times, when God doesn’t answers our call, we start to question his existence. .. Isn’t it?

Have you questioned the existence of God in your life? Well I have, many a times since childhood to today.  Who is God, does he exists, or it’s just our belief … ever tried to question your belief? Do have an answer to it? Is it some external source or just your inner voice that guides you? The answer is what your belief is- that what you call faith.
Since childhood, I have always prayed to God, be it waking up in the morning or going to bed at night.  From happiness to despair, from joy to fear, from greed to offering a charity, I’ve always remembered my Lord. But if I sit back and question, how many times was he really there? Ever thought of it. If not, then think today, think along with me. I am sharing with you a few of my real life incidents that led me to question the existence of God.

As a kid, I have been away from my parents. I was very young, I wanted to live with my parents, but I was destined to live in a boarding hostel, far away from the family life and the warmth which you get from your elders.  I remember a day, when we were supposed to go to church and ask God for granting our prayers. I was just a kid; all I could think off at that moment was to get back home. I offered to God that I will skip all my meals the next day, in order to serve him and will not be bad to anyone. The next day I went to school, I behaved as a good child, I helped my fellow mates. I did not cheat in any of the assignments. I did all my homework properly. I did not have a single grain in the whole day. I slept in the night, hoping that the next morning will bring a happy news that my parents are there to take me back home. But it did not happen, I kept on thinking, where was I wrong, didn’t I pray properly? Did I cheat in any of my assignments, was I bad to any of my friend? There was just one answer to it – No; I did not break my promise. I did not perform any misdeed. So, then what went wrong?  If I ask a friend a favor, he helps me, when I ask my teacher a question she replies back to me. Then, why not God? I have never even seen him either is he really there, does he exist? These were the kind of questions that kept on haunting me for the whole day. Then time passed, I forgot all. Again my life was back to the same routine. I got up, worshiped God, did my work, used to come back home, say my daily prayers and went off to sleep.

Until many days, I followed the same routine, it never even occurred to my mind to question the existence of God, Who has the time to do that in today’s busy world where you are always pre occupied by something or the other. But then I faced something totally unforgettable. I still feel so uneasy, when I have to recall that terrible incident. It gives me shivers.. I thought of this event as the answer to my question pertaining God’s existence, but little did I know that there were more to come.
 This was the death of my matron, Mrs. Moore, who spent all her life praising to God, taught us about the rights and wrongs of life, taught us to believe in God, follow him and the rituals. But her unfortunate death, made me think something else only I was disheartened seeing her dead body in front of my eyes. My trust started fading away.

I wasn’t her favorite. In fact, I doubt if she even knew my name, but when she succumbed to cancer after fighting for over month as we prayed for her everyday, I had to question the power of prayers and whom was it directed to. She gave her life in service of his teachings; she was a missionary Anglo-Indian by birth. Why did she have to go through cancer in order to finally meet her creator? What could she possibly have done to deserve such a painful death? That was also the first incident of death I saw so closely. I was only fourteen. In my young mind it did not make any sense- dying of a saint. I cried for the whole day when I learnt the terrible news that she had finally left us. She was a mother figure to us. She loved us and reprimanded us. She had a sunny disposition and a sharp sense of humor. There were words in Hindi that she couldn’t pronounce well and we made fun of her. All the bittersweet memories came rushing about a person who would never walk through those corridors again. She was gone and the finality of death and fragility of life had never been clearer to me. I debated in my mind if this was the end of everything then how did the wrong and the right matter? Why live an honest life and admit to guilt and go through penance if nothing mattered in the end. A crook and an honest soul both end up dying of cancer? That day I was sure there was nothing called God and everything was a happen-stance.

Soon after the death, we came back to our normal schedule and the memory faded. All it took was a month to forget the memory of that grand woman. We remembered her in our prayers for a few sessions at the chapel and then we forgot about her. It seemed like offering prayers were just rituals that we had taken to because we didn’t know what else to do. I was young and became sure there was no God for why would a God be so cruel if we were his children? However, this thought never really occupied much of my conscious thinking as a child after that event.

Many years passed. It was a beautiful night. I wasn’t a child anymore, but I was once again hit by the same question. It was my friend Radhika’s wedding.  
We all were eagerly waiting for the ceremony to start. The ambience was looking so beautiful. Everything was glittering like stars, it was so charming to look around. I was very excited and happy for Radhika. We all were waiting very anxiously for her arrival but suddenly we heard people shouting at top of their voices. There was a short circuit, which lead to fire. Hearing and seeing it everyone started running here and there. The happy and charming place, which had so much positive energy around it, wasn't the same any more. Just a few moments before it was twinkling like bright stars, but now it was just a shattered place, with the sparkles of fire that had destroyed the pious place. We all had to run back home to save our lives. No one was anymore concerned about the purpose that brought them to the place. No one was thinking about the marriage, the place or the bride. The function ended even before it started.
After a few days I came to know that the marriage was called off as it was hard for the poor father to make the arrangements again, he already took a loan to sponsor the marriage, but all went into vain. I was so disappointed listening to it but what could have I done, it was all God’s will. One question kept on disturbing me for years that why God’s will is always so harsh, is he really there and is he really seeing the pain of people who worship him day and night.
As life moved on and I grew up, after seeing so much I realized that accidents, death and birth are just an inevitable part of life, God wasn’t cruel, it all happened the way it had to happen. Radhika, my friend even she got a better proposal and is very happily settled in Mauritius. There was a new school opened in the memory of my matron. I am living with my parents today and they did a right thing by sending me to hostel as I am a better human being today. Such outcomes made me question my own mistrust in God? Was I being fair in blaming him for all the misfortunes? If there would just be happiness around, will we really know the true worth of it? The answer is no, we would not be able to realize the full pleasure of harmony if we haven’t been disturbed ever in our lives. So as a result of so many good and bad experiences of life, I have somehow realized my mistake.  Just think once, if you have bad days.. you have good days too. But why is it so, that we only blame God for the bad and never thank him for the good? There is so much beauty around, I am blessed with so many things that others still crave for. After seeing the other side of the picture now I feel that God is there, he is there for all of us. It’s just that we have to believe in him, not question him. He is there, he is everywhere. We just have to open our hearts and mind to feel him.

To end up my experience I would like to say that, there is a very famous saying, “God answers your prayer in three ways: He says yes and gives you what you want, he says no and gives you better. Or, he says wait and gives you the best ever.
Do believe in God he has always been there, whether he answers you today or not, He will answer your prayers at the right moment. Be patient, give time and all your worries would be wiped away. God is there to hear you and answer your call believe in him and never question his existence!


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